A Letter to the Divine Masculine

To every man I’ve ever known,

Between men's mental health month and the recent Full Moon in Capricorn, I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with men throughout the years. My husband, father, stepfather, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, boyfriends, best friends, and even the “sneaky links.” I reflect on those times in my life and notice while I often felt secure, protected, and loved in these relationships, I also experienced feeling disconnected from your most vulnerable parts. Knowing I was interacting with someone who was embodying a masculine character but also feeling like I had no idea who you were on the inside.

Your layered depths covered by the expectation that your strength came above all. Strength measured by your ability to gain the adoration of women, to pretend as if your emotions didn’t exist, to engage in ego battles with other men and women who challenged your masculinity, to how well you could use your bodies as an active object of sex. Observing these layers, I would see glimpses of a little boy inside. Confused, scared, ashamed, desperately needing things that you would never dare ask for. A need for love. A need for care, a need for nurturance. A need for attention and affection. I often saw, these needs transformed into aggressive motives, silent suffering, and dissociated embodiment. Because you learned, at some point, it wasn’t okay to ask for what you needed. So you learned that you had to take it or go without it.

I’ve clearly see this dynamic play out in abusive relationships, partnerships where the man is an empty shell of himself - escaping anyway he could, and fatherhood where there was a severe lack of knowledge and intuition about what it meant to be a father. I mean, a boy who was raised by a man who showed you his strength, but never his heart learned to do the same. Or maybe your mothers raised you to be strong because she feared what would happen to you if you weren’t. Being raised by a mother who herself had to be disconnected from her heart in order to prepare and teach you the lessons of the “real world.” And then the little boy grows up, faces the world, and adapts to this society that tells him it’s best to keep your heart and soul trapped in the cage. With the occasional permission to unlock it in the dark for the sake of physical pleasure. But when the lights come on, it’s time to put it back. And we wonder why many of these relations feel vampiric. Blood sucking, taking the life force of another because they themselves were drained and left cold. 

I remember sitting on the stoop with my uncle one windy night... talking about life. He shared with me, “I have so much, but I’m a lonely man.” I didn’t know what to say, what to do with this information. I could just feel it. All I could do was feel the pain and the freedom because he was able to say it out loud. The next day, I remember seeing him smiling and laughing and living as he did in this world. But in my heart, I knew he wasn’t satisfied. He’s gone now and I often wonder… was there anyway to save him? I don’t know.

I can’t say I have the answers. I don’t. I don't know what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do because I realize you don’t need to be saved! Maybe just heard and seen? So, I want you to know that I see you. I see your heart. I finally hear your needs. And I will do my best to encourage you to speak your truths. To be bold in your vulnerability, while also honoring your innate disposition to give, protect, care, and live in peace. 

Sincerely,

A Woman Learning to Love

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